Jokes

Sometimes, tensions can run pretty high at staff meetings. The staff officers work long hours and never get a whole day off. We each try to get away a half-day once a week, but that isn’t always possible. When we mobilized in May, I began telling a joke or a humorous story at each staff meeting. My stories are pretty popular, and the presentation order quickly changed so that I closed the meeting. Unfortunately, these meetings have been going on now for four months, and I’m quickly running out of material. If you know any good jokes, feel free to post it below and help me out!

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10 thoughts on “Jokes

  1. Why are good people prone to such bad choices??
    From a Christian perspective, it is because we are sinful creatures, with sinful natures, prone to do evil (total depravity). From a secular perspective, who knows?

    “The Christian has a great advantage over other men not by being less fallen than they, nor less doomed to live in a fallen world, but by knowing that he is a fallen man in a fallen world.” ~C.S. Lewis

  2. This is an old one, so you’ve probably heard it!

    A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of their congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them.
    When the dog was produced, the manager began giving it commands. “Fetch the Bible,” he commanded. The dog bounced to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said, “Find Psalms 23”. The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw.

    Duly impressed, the preacher and his wife purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed.

    Finally, one man asked “Can the dog do normal dog tricks too?”

    “Let’s see” said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded, “Heel!”

    The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher’s forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife in complete shock and disbelief. “We’ve been swindled! That manager sold us a Pentecostal dog!”

    Remember when we were swimming in the pool at the campgound in Arkansas (I think?) and you told my friend and me that they were keeping a baby shark in the deep end? I didn’t believe you until the lifeguard pulled us under and then I thought that I had been attacked by Jaws! Love, Rhonda

  3. That’s a good one, Rhonda, I hadn’t heard the Pentecostal twist at the end. I’m not admitting to any low-down trick like that at a swimming pool. No one who knows me would believe I would do anything like that. 🙂

  4. a Quaker joke… A quaker family moved into a good Irish neighborhood, the locals wishing to make their new neighbor feel welcome offered him a “drink” the quaker explained he never drinks. The good Irish were a little put off by this holier than thou attitude and Helped the Quaker by Funneling Him. several days later the same group ask him to join them for a drink, he declined but added THOU MAYEST FUNNEL ME AGAIN if it pleases THEE !!!!

  5. My grandfathers favorite.. Quaker has a milk cow which is ill tempered i.e. kicks while being milked and swishing Burr Laden tail upon the back and head of the Quaker.. The Quaker says to the cow Thou Knowest I will not beat Thee -But Thou doust not know that I will sell Thee to a Baptist!!!!

  6. Maybe you will like this one better than one I sent privately! HA! PattyMac

    The day finally arrived.
    Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

    He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and

    Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

    Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

    St. Peter continued,”Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

    Third: What is God’s first name?”

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter,who waves him up, and says,”Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers”

    Forrest replied, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter “T”?
    Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

    The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
    “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but
    you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.”

    “How about the next one?” asked St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?

    Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

    Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

    Forrest replied,”Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd … ”

    “Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter.”I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
    though that was not quite what I had in mind … but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

    Let us go on with the third and final question.
    Can you tell me God’s first name”?

    “Sure,” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.”

    “Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

    “Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,”
    Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song,

    ‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
    ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
    ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’ ”

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
    “Run Forrest, run!”

  7. Here’s another one I enjoyed:
    LONE RANGER & TONTO

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ”

    The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

    “What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
    day tomorrow.

    What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

    “You dumber than buffalo dung . It means someone stole the tent.”

  8. Along the same lines as the lone ranger joke, here’s another:
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on Silver. They walk into a bar, sit down, and order a couple of drinks.
    After a short while a man waltzes into the bar and gruffly says. “Who’s horse is this out here?”
    The lone ranger stands up and says, “he’s mine. Who wants to know.”
    The man backs away and says, “I just wanted to let you know that the horse is laying down on the ground exhauseted.”
    Tonto and the ranger run outside. Quickly assessing the situation the lone ranger intructs Tonto to run inside and get three pitchers of water. Tonto takes off on a sprint inside and retrieves some water. They give the water to the tired horse and the Lone Ranger says, “alright, tonto. It’s too hot out here. Run around the horse as fast as you can to create enough breeze for silver to cool off.”
    Tonto takes to running and while the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his beer.
    After a while, a man storms into the bar and shouts, “HEY, whose white horse is this out here?!”
    Lone Ranger stands up and says, “It’s mine, who wants to know?”
    The man coils back and says, “There’s no problem, I just wanted to let you know you left your injin’ running.”

    It’s really a better joke when you say it and don’t have to spell injin/engine.”

  9. A hunting party calls 911 in distress.

    “Send someone fast. My buddy has been shot! I think he’s dead!”

    The emergency attendant on the other line says, “Sir, be calm, we’ll get there as soon as we can, but I need you first to go and make sure your friend is dead.”

    There was a long pause on the line.

    Bang!

    “Okay, he’s dead. Now what do we do?”

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